Do you ever get the feeling that as an adult, your birthday parties are severely lacking? When you’re grown-up you can sip cocktails and nibble on tiny sandwiches at a posh tea room, but really, wouldn’t you rather throwback to the days when your birthday was the social event of the season? When you could spend the day with jelly and chocolate smeared around your chops, and win all the prizes?
At The Occasional Reporter, we’re nostalgia experts and we know exactly how you feel! Thinking about all the amazing birthday parties we had as children made us want to revisit that golden era of cake and smiles in minute detail, so here are our 50 reasons parties were so much better when you were younger. Feel free to comment with your own favourite memories – it’ll give us all more ideas to help create the best parties all over again!
- Party Rings
You know, those slightly stale-tasting biscuits you’d get on the party table when you went to your pal’s seventh birthday. Tiny, moreish and covered in sugar, those suckers were the sign of a truly excellent birthday party.
- Rainbow Cake and Mint Custard
Did you ever get this in the canteen at school? Mint custard is such a throwback to those awesome childhood years. Why don’t you get it as an adult? Where did it go? Birthdays weren’t birthdays without a slice of rainbow cake up here in the north!
- Pass the Parcel
Understanding the rules of pass the parcel was a right of passage for every youngster. Hold on to the package too long and you’re branded a cheat. Throw it too fast and risk losing your shot at tearing off the paper – arguably the best part of the game. Only nerves of steel need apply!
- Colin the Caterpillar
The ultimate party table centrepiece. Colin the Caterpillar was the birthday cake of dreams. If you had a Colin, you’d made it. You were top dog. Nobody was in your way; you were the queen or king of birthdays. Who knew bugs could be so delicious and iconic?
- Musical statues
Dance like a maniac, then FREEZE. What do you mean this was an opportunity for the grown ups to get a moment’s peace? As champion musical statues, The Occasional Reporter team would like to say that there is more than just stillness to this game. It requires skill and tenacity. And the extreme desire to win a Power Rangers pencil case.
- The Invites
Lordy lord, remember the invites? From picking the right stationary and the correct colour of gel pen to initiating the drama of deciding which 10 friends you could choose to invite, the whole process was super involved and quite frankly, very appealing to the likes of a future communications expert. This leads us seamlessly onto…
- “You’re not invited to my party.”
For about four months leading up to your birthday, every child has final say on who will and will not be invited to their birthday party. That’s just the law. That means if any of their friends commit the ultimate crimes of tigging them while playing catch, missing them out in PE or not letting them be Ariel during a game of Disney Princesses at playtime, they get excommunicated with the words “you’re not invited to my birthday.” Of course this can be revoked at any time, at the birthday child’s discretion.
- Wotsits
Huge bowls of wotsits sat on the party table like a royal goblet filled with desire. Bright orange, cheesy desire. For most kids, parties were the only place to get their hands on junk food and they’d go mad on it. One of our first choices was definitely the weirdly delicious taste of cheesy wotsits.
- Opening the presents
Let’s not lie – unless it was your birthday, this was the worst bit of the party. If it was your day though, this was totally amazing, probably the highlight of your year. A chair – or if you were lucky an entire table – stacked high with things from the back pages of the Argos catalogue, wrapped in Postman Pat and Thunderbirds wrapping paper. Thanks Auntie Angela, I’ve always wanted a Barbie hairdryer and matching hairbrush!
- The Macarena
One macca
Two macca
Three macarena
Four macca
Five macca
Six macarena
Seven macca
Eight macca
Nine macarena
HAAAAAAY MACARENA
X 10000000 at 456702 decibels
- Birthday lessons
If your birthday fell on a school day, you more than likely had a moment in the day when your teacher taught you how to sing “Happy Birthday” in another language, or were given a lesson that somehow involved birthday facts. It might not have been the most exciting part of the day, but some of us still know how to sing “Zum Geburtstag viel Glück!”
- Hide and Seek
Despite being told not to go upstairs, most birthday parties always descended into chaos, often started by the seemingly innocent suggestion of hide and seek. As all children know, this game’s primary aim is not to be hidden, but to look through the drawers and cupboards of an unfamiliar house. Oh no, you found me in the wardrobe! Wow, your mum has a great collection of shoes.
- Mini Rolls
Tiny, chocolate-covered swiss rolls of delight, the staple of any good children’s birthday party.
- Snap bangles
All best friends had them. The perfect prize for being an especially quiet sleeping lion, just snap that baby on and you’re on-trend with this season’s hottest accessory.
- Hair Mascara
No party outfit was complete without hair mascara, in a fetching shade of pink, purple, green or blue. Team with tiny butterfly hairclips and a slick of glittery lipgloss from the front of Mizz magazine and you’re party ready!
- Dance Competition
Aged 7, there’s always a kid who can breakdance. There’s always a kid who’s quite good at robotics. Then there’s the rest of us, who could jump up and down enough to shake the china cabinet through in the dining room. Swing those pigtails!
- Mini Sausage Rolls
Gourmet cuisine of the highest order brought out on very special occasions. Some families even had cheese versions, which were utterly mindblowing. Why do the mini versions taste so much better?
- Party Bags
Every good birthday party host saw their guests home with a little bag full of birthday cake, bubbles and a holographic pencil. Extra hosting points if that bag was Pocahontas or Winnie the Pooh-themed.
- Black Lace
A party without the biggest Black Lace hits on the playlist? Unforgivable. Crank up the stereo and let bangers like “Agadoo,” “The Birdie Song” and “Superman” really get the crowd (of ten children and several tired and emotional adults) going!
- Party Dresses
Any little girl had a special party dress put aside for birthday parties. Pouffy and satin, maybe with a bit of velvet on there, and maybe with a big bow on it somewhere. No matter what it looked like, this was DEFINITELY worn with patterned tights and patent leather buckle shoes too good to wear for school.
- Bouncy Castles
Depending on the type of child you were, seeing a bouncy castle in somebody’s back garden was either the single most exciting moment of your life, or the moment you realised you were going to land flat on your face in the shoe pile at some point in the day. Hours were spent trying to do backflips and front flips while other children wailed and crawled on the wobbling floor. We can just smell the plastic now…
- Birthday Cards
All that post to open! Such an exciting part of the day – especially if a card came from really far away, or it had a fiver inside. Putting them all up was the next best thing, making sure all of them were in prominent view throughout the front room for at least a week after your party.
- Balloons
There are simply not enough occasions where balloons are appropriate. Birthdays as a youngster were always improved dramatically by the presence of balloons – the more the merrier! Helium balloons were an especially good treat because they looked ace and you could use them to make everyone sound like The Chipmunks.
- Birthday Song
No matter what anyone pretended, having a room full of people sing to you and then clap and cheer because it’s your special day is the best thing in the world. Then somebody would start with the “For s/he’s a jolly good fellow…” and it would get awkward.
- Cake Candle Holders
Watching your mum trying to balance stripy candy-cane candles in those tiny candle-holder florettes without spilling wax on the cake was torture – you just wanted a slice of that delicious cake! No wax was ever spilled though. That’s talent.
- Party Blowers
The most fun way to burst your parents’ eardrums! Those little guys were so much fun, and if you gave one to everyone, you could start a one-note band!
- Fancy Dress
Being the birthday girl or boy meant being allowed to wear whatever you wanted. Was your party a fancy dress party? Maybe it was, but even if it wasn’t specified, you’d better believe one of us was either wearing fairy wings, a pirate eye patch or both. And there was always a boy fully committing to the role of Spiderman at every party, crawling around the walls and fighting imaginary crime. Ah, to be young again.
- Being too excited to sleep
Birthdays were almost on a par with Christmas, so it was only natural that you wouldn’t be getting to sleep until at least 8pm. Scandalous!
- New Pyjamas
No matter who you are, you definitely got a new set of PJs for your birthday. Nothing beats that snuggly Birthday Pyjamas feeling!
- Jelly and Ice Cream
The delicious birthday tradition we all know and love. Whether you were a green or a red fan, nothing could beat the taste of jelly of any kind mixing with bright yellow vanilla ice-cream. Perfection.
- Getting an invite
Getting to school and being given an invitation to somebody’s birthday party was incredibly exciting – second only to finding an invitation had been left secretly in your drawer or on your desk. Then you had to complete the important task of getting it home safely without getting juice or yoghurt on it so you could show you parents, and they could carry out the duties of ticking the “yes” or “no” box. It was all a very serious business.
- Choosing your presents from the Argos catalogue
One big one, don’t be silly, choose something you really want. Flipping through the Argos catalogue to see what worldly things you could possibly own. A toy kitchen? A scalextric? A new bike? A walkman? Before the internet, before unboxing videos, what we had to guide us through the wonders of modern toy innovations was a magazine the weight of a baby elephant. Sadly, a baby elephant was about the only thing not included in this paper-based emporium of delights.
- Paper plates
There was something incredibly exciting about using paper plates instead of the boring old usual ones. Hopefully your paper plates came with excellent Pokémon napkins and matching plastic cups.
- Sheet banners
Were your family one of the legendary families who made banners for birthdays and hung them up near the roundabout or outside school? Nothing makes sure everyone knows it’s your special day like writing it on a double sheet in massive letters!
- Birthday badges
Was there a better feeling than getting a huge badge with your shiny new age on it and getting to wear it all day? No, there wasn’t. That’s just a fact.
- Party Poppers
Sat around the table for birthday tea, birthday party poppers were your own personal version of Christmas crackers. The only difference is, these were better, because they made a mess everywhere and you could scare your dad with them while he was watching F1!
- Musical Chairs
This game could get violent depending on who you invited to your party. Competitiveness in children is highly underrated – getting a big purple bruise from battling to the bitter end of this game was not unheard of! Winner gets a pot of bubbles, and the total adoration of everyone else in the room. Worth it.
- Balloon animals
Is it a sausage dog? Is it a sword? Who knows, or cares? What matters is that your birthday party was the coolest in town because you had your own balloon artist in the garden, making animals out of long, colourful balloons on demand.
- Local Radio Shoutout
Who got a shoutout on their local radio? Some families have this as a tradition, and if you don’t, start it! Nothing beats having a local celeb breakfast presenter wishing you a happy birthday before playing Gold by Spandau Ballet. The only way to start your day.
- Birthday Bumps
Being lifted up and swung around might not be the most enjoyable experience for a birthday boy or girl, but it’s the rules and anyway, you’re getting everyone’s undivided attention for a good five minutes. That’s what birthdays are all about!
- Special Birthday Tea
Get your best outfit on, pack your newest Barbie or teddy if you want, and make your way to the Wacky Warehouse carvery. Choose anything you want – it’s your birthday tea! Make sure you’ve got room for pudding, because I heard they’ve got something special waiting for you.
- Swimming Party
Did you ever have the luck to be invited to a swimming pool birthday party? All the floats were out and you had the whole pool to yourself. One of the best, poshest birthday parties, these were generally reserved for the most popular kids who had a lot of people to invite.
- Sleepover
Bring snacks and get ready for a night of Clarissa Explains It All taped off the TV. Sleepovers were amazing, because you got to stay up late, eat junk food, watch TV your mum said was “trash” and if you were really lucky, your host had a bunk bed. Get your best jammies on and start painting each others’ nails!
- Laserquest
Whether it was called Laserquest, Megazone or Lasertag, this was an ultimate birthday treat. Running around a cyberland of hidden dens, firing lasers at your friends, looking exactly like Ripley from Alien. It might have been dark and a bit scary, but you were a brave soldier on the hunt for your mates. Then they read the scores out at the end and it turns out you didn’t actually manage to shoot anyone. Oh well!
- Being treated like a grown-up
You’re a year older now! You can use a glass instead of a plastic cup and play out for half an hour longer than before!
- Pineapple Hedgehog
If you didn’t have a pineapple and cheese hedgehog in pride of place on your birthday buffet table, was it really your birthday?
- Hokey Cokey
Put your left leg in and out again and then get hyper on all the hundreds of sweets and bright orange crisps you’ve been eating and start flying around the room like a fighter jet, because it’s your birthday and if you want the Hokey Cokey to turn into a game of Top Gun, it can!
- Magic
Magicians ruled any birthday party. Whether they were a magical dad who could pull endless 20p pieces out of your ear – how did he do that? – or a real life magician with a cape and everything, birthdays were really the only time of the year you could be wowed with superhuman skills. We’re still trying to work out how he sawed Laura Simpson in half and she was ok in time for musical bumps.
- Pancake Breakfast
Or, if you didn’t like pancakes, anything you liked. Nutella and strawberry pancakes (or better yet, Pop Tarts!) were probably the highlight of birthday morning – a quick sit-down with the fam before you were allowed to approach your presents and cards. More icing sugar please!
- Having “the best day ever”
Every single birthday was amazing when you were little, from the moment you woke up and remembered it was your special day, to the minute your head hit the pillow after a day’s hard work dancing, singing and running full-speed around the garden after your new remote control car. Let’s bring back some of that joy to our grown-up birthday parties! Bring out the Colin the Caterpillar cake! Everyone’s invited!
